


Bruce Banner is the best actor in real life

by gyuumajo



Series: Bruce Banner is the best... [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-16
Updated: 2015-01-16
Packaged: 2018-03-07 19:15:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3180029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gyuumajo/pseuds/gyuumajo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Bruce Banner fools everyone</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pepper Potts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after IM3 post credit scene

"You're not allowed in here." He jerked awake on those ridiculously comfortable couch. The sharp click of stilettos grew louder as he ran a hand down his face.  
"All SHIELD agents have to go through the front desk after Phil--" Pepper Potts aka CEO of Stark Industries and personal friend of Agent Phil Coulson took a fortifying breath before leveling a seriously chilling glare at him. "After Agent Coulson's untimely demise. We do not entertain unannounced visits, much less in our private quarters."  
Bruce stood up, made a show of straightening his rumpled jacket and gave a bland yet slightly condescending smirk. "I apologize, Miss Potts. My name is Agent David Bannon. Director Fury demands an update from Iron Man, especially after what happened last week. As you know, ever since Agent Coulson's _untimely demise_ , Mr Stark hasn't been getting back to us as much as he should. I am to replace Agent Coulson as official liaison between Mr Stark and SHIELD--"  
" You'll never replace Phil!" She seethed. Their epic staring match was broken when Tony returned with a box of pizza in each hand.  
"Oh hey Pep! You're back early. I see you've met Bruce... Did I miss something?"  
"Bruce?" She turned back and saw a meek mousy gentleman wringing his hands together with a sheepish grin on his face. If not for the clothes, she would have thought someone completely different swapped places with that obnoxious SHIELD agent she almost punched.  
"I'm so sorry Miss Potts. When you mistook me for a SHIELD agent, I couldn't resist yanking your chains a little. No hard feelings?"  
She was rendered speechless. Pepper Potts' chains were well and truly yanked.  
"JARVIS! TELL ME YOU RECORDED EVERYTHING!"  
"Tony!" Twin exasperated sighs punctuated his exclamation.


	2. Darcy Lewis & Erik Selvig

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place before Thor: The Dark World

"Who are you?"  
"He's--" Erik Selvig looked over his shoulder to see the motormouth known as Darcy Lewis point an accusing finger at his visitor.  
"I'm his attending doctor, Miss...?" Bruce turned around with his most genial smile.  
"Darcy." She narrowed her eyes before turning to address Erik. "Isn't your attending doctor a small Asian lady?"  
"No, Miss Wen is his chiropractor." Bruce answered before Erik could open his mouth. The older man chuckled. Bruce had always been one who did his homework.  
"...You're good." Darcy gave him a sly grin. "Seriously though. Who are you?"  
"Darcy, this is Dr Banner," Erik cut in before Darcy went from verbally poking his visitor to physically poking his visitor.  
"Oh! The gamma guy you were telling us about? The one who disappeared after SHIELD contacted him?"  
"...Well, that's one way of putting it." He dropped the professional healthcare professional facade, opting to introduce himself with a handshake instead. "Hi Darcy. I'm Bruce. Nice to meet you. You're very good at spotting liars, anyone tell you that?"  
Darcy grinned. "Takes one to know one!"


	3. Maria Hill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during Captain America: The Winter Soldier

"Oh honey. That shirt with those shoes? Please... I can't even look at you right now! I'm gonna get rid of it for you. Here. That's a better pair. Come on!"  
"What...?"  
Ex-Agent Maria Hill was hustled inside the shoe store they were standing outside of a moment ago by one Dr Robert Bruce Banner. Currently flailing around foppishly with a camp gay accent. If he was in a slightly less rumpled, slightly more figure fitting suit, she would totally buy him as Tim Gunn's more approachable disciple.  
He reached for the pair of shoes beside her, muttering under his breath as he pressed closer to her. "Don't look now but across the street, top floor. Sniper."  
Maria nodded. "It's a bit shiny isn't it?"  
He smiled. "Don't worry about it. But if you're still worried, I'm sure Antonio have something to take it right out."  
Maria tried on the pair and did a little twirl in front of the mirror, catching a glimpse of the flare of scope lens in the reflection.  
"I think I'd like that."  
Bruce nodded and placed a call to Tony.   
Maria left with a pair of Louboutin on her feet and Bruce doing a running commentary on everything everyone is wearing wrongly by her side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for using gay stereotypes & offscreen assassinations.


	4. Nick Fury

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after Captain America: The Winter Soldier

_"Bonjour. Parlez vous anglais?"_  
Nick Fury stiffened in his seat. It wasn't often someone got the drop on him. He must be getting rusty.  
 _"Oui."_ He set his coffee cup down before angling his seat slightly to the left to look at the perfectly accented French speaker who just so happen to be sitting in his blind spot. If he was a betting man, he would bet that it was deliberate.  
"I heard Venice is nice this time of the year." Bruce Banner, decked out in his Sunday best, was currently idly people watching. "I wanted to go this week but I read something about snakes on Air France. It could be just some made up story. Like that movie, y'know? Tony thinks it's shit, by the way."  
"And he told you to tell me that?" Fury wasn't expecting Banner to laugh but he did. It was a nice laugh.   
"He can't very well come over to tell you that himself, now could he? What with everyone knowing who he is and what he looks like. Besides, I'm sure you appreciate the discretion."  
Fury pulled his sunglasses down slightly and peered over the rim to look at Banner properly. That jocular smile lighting up his face, making him look years younger than he actually is. Unbelievable. This man before him could breeze right out onto Champs Elysees and no one would bat an eyelid. Heads would definitely turn though.  
He felt his lips twitch in return. Banner's eyes went wide with glee.  
"Wait til I tell Maria about this! You *can* smile!"  
He could feel the atmosphere in the cafe lighten immediately. If he were a betting man, he would bet that Banner did that deliberately too.


	5. Sam Wilson & Bucky Barnes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after Captain America: The Winter Soldier

The moment they entered the VA office, Steve felt Bruce tense. He looked over and was surprised to see the other man adopt a ramrod straight posture, arms behind his back in a parade rest that would make Colonel Phillips proud.  
"Hey Steve! Who's your friend?"  
"Oh hey Sam. This is--"  
"Bob."  
"Uh... This is Bob."  
Sure, if Bruce wants to be Bob today, who was he to argue with the man?  
"Hey Bob. Like what you see so far?"  
Bruce grunted. Bruce actually grunted. Steve did a double take while Sam laughed.  
"I know! So which unit did you serve under, Bob?"  
"We don't have a name." He paused, struggling to continue. "I was under General Ross at Gamma Base."  
"Holy shit... That the one where--"  
"Yeah..." Bruce looked genuinely saddened.  
Steve wasn't sure where this was going but if he'd learnt anything from waking up 66 years in the future, it was to roll with the punches. "So I brought the paintings over as promised. How is Bucky doing?"  
"Today's a good day I think. You wanna see him?"  
He couldn't keep the smile off his face as they followed Sam down the long corridor. Sam knocked on the furthest door.  
"Bucky, it's Sam. I brought Steve and Bob with me. Do you want to come out?"  
The door cracked open, revealing tired blue eyes. "...That's not Bob." And shut the door in their faces.  
"Wait, what do you mean that's not Bob? He's Bob! How would you know he's not Bob?" Sam banged on the door. "Tell him you're Bob, man."  
Sam glanced behind when no one backed up his claim. Instead of the gruff Hulk hunting soldier, he saw an apologetic middle aged man who had never gone through basic training in his life.  
"Sorry Sam. Bucky's right. I'm not Bob. I'm Bruce Banner."  
"Holy shit... You're the Hulk..."  
"Dr Robert Bruce Banner aka the Hulk. Approach with caution. The angrier he gets, the stronger he becomes."  
They could hear Bucky reciting the info Hydra pushed into him from the other side of the door. Bruce wasn't sure if he should be concerned that Hydra knew he was the Hulk long enough to include in their Hulk case file before dropping them into Bucky's brain.  
"That's right. But I'm not angry now so you can come out if you want." Bruce tried to sound as nonthreatening as possible. "I'm sorry for lying. I just didn't want anyone to know."  
"But I know." Bucky pulled open the door slightly again, watching the other men warily.  
"It's okay. It could be our little secret."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, the hardest person to write for (Steve Rogers & co.) ended up with the longest chapter. How?!  
> Also, if anyone can help me this polish up, I'd appreciate the help. I don't like how this ended. At all.


End file.
